Would You Like Some Advice?
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Would You Like Some Advice?
First, and most importantly, HAPPY MOTHER's DAY. There is so much to say about Mothers of course. We are all indebted to them, we love them, we owe them and we must therefore always celebrate them. Motherly love is what the world needs right now. So let's honor our mothers by sending more of motherly love out to the universe.
Now to today's topic.
Advice would be nice...or, would it?
I think it is fair to say that we humans have a complicated relationship with advice. It sounds nice, in theory. Generous, even. But yet, many people resist giving it. Perhaps because they don’t like receiving it—or that it feels imposing or unsolicited. I am not quite sure.
But here is the beautiful thing. There is so much wisdom out there. Almost everything we'd like to learn has been experienced and lived by somebody else. And we live in a time when the world's accumulated knowledge and wisdom are more readily available than ever before. In the palm of your hand. Eschewing this free advice is really not smart.
Besides, the choice is ours whether we put the advice we are given to good use—or not. We can let words enter our minds. We can let them simmer there and then see if they connect with our own circumstances and context. And if they don't, we can let go of them (or keep them in our back pocket for the future.) Most people agree that exercise is the best longevity drug there is. Moving our bodies helps with just about everything. But the same is true with our minds. Visiting ideas from other people is like going to the awareness gym. We extend our elasticity and thereby the ability to understand the world around us. It's helpful.
Before I share some of the best advice I have seen (wait for it...), I'd say two things I have learned about advice.
First, as with everything else I believe in, it starts with WHY. Your intention behind giving advice matters most. I learned this more deeply during my training with Steven Covey as a 7 Habits coach in the early 1990s. It was perhaps one of the most transformative learning experiences of my life. His 5th habit, in particular, offered deep insights into how we can better understand others. (This 5th habit is: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.)
This was all capped off by reading and re-reading this poem most attributed to my favorite Scandinavian philosopher, Søren Kierkegaard. I think it is profoundly true:
“For reflection
If I want to succeed in leading a person towards a specific goal, I must first find her where she is and start right there.
Those who cannot do that deceive themselves when they think they can help others. To help someone, I must certainly understand more than what they do, but first and foremost, understand what they understand. If I cannot do that, it does not help that I can and know more. If I still want to show how much I can, it is because I am vain and proud, and I actually want to be admired by the other instead of helping them. All genuine helpfulness begins with humility towards the person I want to help, and therefore I must understand that helping is not about wanting to dominate, but wanting to serve.
If I cannot do this, then I cannot help anyone.”
I just love that so much. It reminds me of the servant leadership attitude in life.
The second aspect when considering advice that I find to be super important is that people support what they help create. I learned this from George Labovitz and Alice Nichols in the 1990s too. They were recognized management consultants in the quality space. What I learned from them is that alignment in an organization is almost everything. And, furthermore, the only way to achieve it is to make sure that people are active participants in creating the strategy they are later asked to execute. This is perhaps why straight advice is not that helpful as it is passive. Engaging with people to understand where they are (Kierkegaard) and then co-creating the best way forward is really the only way to help people change anything.
Ok. Enough theory about advice. Suffice it to say, it's a bit complicated. But the desired outcome of this post is to encourage us to listen to more advice. That is, at the very least, when something smells like advice let’s try to consider it as something positive rather than suspicious. Let’s ignore who says it or if it is 100% relevant to our lives at this moment. Let's just appreciate that there are lessons to be learned—and some of them might even apply to us!
I have mentioned Kevin Kelly before in these newsletters. Tim Ferriss once called Kevin Kelly "the most interesting man in the world". Kevin has done just about everything, and I find his approach to life, in general, to be awe-inspiring, and his creativity, curiosity, and discovery particularly so. He decided on his 68th birthday to write 68 pieces of advice to his adult children. He subsequently wrote two more lists of them. I posted them all in this newsletter almost exactly a year ago.
Finally, after realizing that so many people loved them, he recently published an entire book with more of them. It's titled "Excellent Advice for Living: Wisdom I Wish I'd Known Earlier". You also can explore his website with more goodies here — it's a treasure trove.
This is the perfect book to have around. I never get tired of flipping through it. I find goodies all the time. I tried my hardest to not write down EVERY one of these 450 nuggets of wisdom. But I just jotted down, right now, the ones that resonated most with me. So, here you go:
Forgiveness is accepting the apology you will never get.
Treating a person to a meal never fails and is so easy to do. It's powerful with old friends and a great way to make new friends.
Recipe for greatness: Become just a teeny bit better than you were last year. Repeat every year.
The more you are interested in others the more interesting they'll find you. To be interesting, be interested.
The purpose of a habit is to remove that action from self-negotiation. You no longer expend energy deciding whether to do it. Good habits range from telling the truth to flossing.
When crises strike, don't waste them. No problems, no progress.
You really don't want to be famous. Read the biography of any famous person.
You are what you do. Not what you say, not what you believe, not how you vote, but what you spend your time on.
Experience is overrated. Most breakthrough accomplishments were done by people doing them for the first time. Therefore when hiring, hire for aptitude and attitude and then train for skills.
If somebody is trying to convince you it is not a pyramid scheme, it's a pyramid scheme
Don't create things to make money; make money so you can create things. The reward for good work is more work.
In all things - except love - start with the exit strategy. Prepare for the ending. Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
The foundation of maturity: Just because it's not your fault doesn't mean it is not your responsibility.
Your passions should fit you exactly, but your purpose in life should exceed you. Work for something much larger than yourself.
Work to become. Not to acquire.
Ignore what others may be thinking of you because they aren't thinking of you.
If you meet a jerk, ignore them. If you meet jerks everywhere every day, look deeper into yourself.
It's much easier to change how you think by changing your behavior than it is to change your behavior by changing how you think. Act out the change you seek.
Don't treat people as bad as they are. Treat them as good as you are.
Your behavior, not your opinions, will change the world.
Every person you meet knows an amazing lot about something you know virtually nothing about. It won't be obvious, and your job is to discover what it is.
Be nice to your children because they are going to choose your nursing home.
Don't ever work for something you don't want to become
The greatest teacher is called "doing".
Whenever there is an argument between two sides, find the third side.
Pay attention to who you are around when you feel your best. Be with them more often.
The end is almost always the beginning of something better.
Worry is ineffective. It is certain that 99% of the stuff you are anxious about won't happen.
If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go further, go together.
If your sense of responsibility is not expanding as you grow, you are not really growing.
Embrace pronoia, which is the opposite of paranoia. Choose to believe that the entire universe is conspiring behind your back to make you a success.
Invent as many family rituals as you can handle with ease. Anything done on a schedule - large or small, significant or silly - can become a ritual. Repeated consistently, small routines become legendary. Anticipation is key.
Promptness is a sign of respect
Tend to the small things. More people are defeated by blisters than by mountains.
Hatred is a curse that does not affect the hated. It only poisons the hater. Release the grudge as if it were poison.
Greatness is incompatible with optimizing for the short term. To achieve greatness requires a long view. Raise your time horizon to raise your goal.
Your goal is to be able to say on the day before you die that you have fully become yourself.
Advice like this are not laws. They are like hats. If one doesn't fit, try another.
If you prefer listening to some of Kevin's wisdom, please listen to this podcast with his friend Tim Ferriss, as well as this one with Tyler Cowen. I enjoyed both, but thought Tyler's was particularly inspiring. Great conversation about lessons we all can learn from.
How lucky are we, really? We have access to so many wonderfully smart and generous people trying to better understand both the problems and possibilities that stand before us. No generation before us could access all this knowledge and wisdom as we can. Let's make the most of this gift. It's our best way of honoring the sacrifice that went into getting us here.
Have a great week!
